DID YOU DO THIS AWFUL CRIME?DID YOU DO IT ANYTIME?I did not do this awful crime.I could not, would not, anytime.DID YOU TAKE THIS PERSON'S LIFE?DID YOU DO IT WITH A KNIFE?I did not do it with a knife.I did not, could not, kill my wife.I did not do this awful crime.I could not, would not, anytime.DID YOU LEAVE A POOL OF BLOOD?DID YOU DROP THIS BLOODY GLOVE?I did not leave a pool of blood.I cannot even wear that glove.I did not do it with a knife.I did not, could not, kill my wife.I did not do this awful crime.I could not, would not, anytime.
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SUBJ: More O.J. JokesQ: What do you call an old black lady in OJ's jacuzzi?A: Juror number sevenQ: What do OJ and the Cleveland Indians have in common?A: They both beat the RED SOXDid you hear Art Modell offered OJ the new head coach position forthe Browns? Yeah, he wanted him to teach that killer instinct!I heard President Clinton called OJ in Rockingham and offered him adate with Paula Jones!O.J. Simpson has now opened a promising Limo service--guaranteed toget you to the airport with time to kill!Did you hear that O.J. has his own Web page?The URL is "HTTP--colon--slash--slash--slash--escape."
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SUBJ: More on Discourse on LawyersThe only difference between a lawyer and vulture isremovable wingtips.
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SUBJ: More Weird LawsIn Idaho, fishing from the back of any animal is illegal.It's against the law in North Dakota to go to bed wearing shoes.It is illegal in Pittsburgh, Penn., to sleep in a refrigerator.In L.A. it is against the law to complain through the mail that ahotel has cockroaches, even if it is true.A Kentucky law says that burglary can only be committed at night.In Corning, Iowa, it is illegal to speak to anyone passing along thestreet or sidewalk.In Manville, NJ, it is illegal to feed animals whiskey orcigarettes in a public park.
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SUBJ: Terrible Truths (and other principles of disaster)1. Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.2. Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think.3. Murphy's Third Law: In any field of scientific endeavor,anything that can go wrong will go wrong.4. Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of severalthings going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will bethe one to go wrong.5. Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it willanyway.6. Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are fourpossible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumventthese, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.7. Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to gofrom bad to worse.8. Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, youhave obviously overlooked something.[This one reminds me of a poster I once saw: it showed a personskiing off what looked like a 100-foot cliff, and had the followingcaption: "If You Can Be Calm at a Moment Like This, Then You Don'tFully Comprehend The Situation." ]9. Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.10. Murphy's Tenth Law: Mother Nature is a bitch.11. Murphy's Eleventh Law: It is impossible to make anythingfoolproof, because fools are so ingenious.12. Schmidt's Observation: All things being equal, a fat personuses more soap than a thin person.13. Nick the Greek's Law of Life: All things considered, life is 9to 5 against.14. Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, butseveral miles from the next freeway exit.15. Van Roy's Law: Honesty is the best policy - there's lesscompetition.16. Van Roy's Truism: Life is a whole series of circumstancesbeyond your control.17. Agnes' Law: Almost everything in life is easier to get intothan out of.18. Clarke's Conclusion: Never let your sense of morals interferewith doing the right thing.19. Goda's Truism: By the time you get to the point where you canmake ends meet, somebody moves the ends.20. Johnny Carson's Definition: The smallest interval of timeknown to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the trafficsignal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing hishorn.21. Wilner's Observation: All conversations with a potato shouldbe conducted in private.22. The Phone Booth Rule: A lone dime always gets the numbernearly right.23. Zall's Laws: (1) Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, thenext thing you do will be wrong. (2) How long a minute is dependson which side of the bathroom door you're on.24. Ettore's Observation: The other line moves faster.[Editor's Note: Especially for me. I really need a shirt thatreads, "If You're Behind Me, You're On the Wrong Line." ]25. Griffin's Thought: When you starve with a tiger, the tigerstarves last.26. Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to thewrong conclusion with confidence.27. Cann's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.28. Macaluso's Doctrine: You've never been as sick as just beforeyou stop breathing.29. Knebel's Law: It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking isone of the leading causes of statistics.[*Another* Note from the Editor: Yes--especially if you considercorpses to be statistics. ]30. The Law of Selective Gravity, or the Buttered-Side Down Law:An object will fall so as to do the most damage.31. Stale's Law: No matter how careful one is in resealing theinner liner in a cereal box, it will tear where it is glued to thebox.32. William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficultthat it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
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