The other day I met a woman at my job who truly left me dumbstruck. I mean, I sounded like a gibbering wreck. I had difficulty looking straight at her.
She was tall, beautiful and, with an excellent figure, and did not have the "shield up" that many beautiful women have (and for which I do not blame them, if they didn't they would be pestered nonstop). For the record, I haven't been dumbstruck in years. I thought I was past it. I was wrong. I found her so desirable on appearance alone, that I acted like an idiot.
So, here I am. The "church" (little c) had taught me so little. I think back and the vast majority (and I mean 99 per cent plus) of anything valuable I learned I learned from the Bible directly, my family, and a very few friends. I had a sex drive and I was taught to suppress it, and not much else. I wanted to fulfill it honorably, and I was told "God has someone out there for you". Just not anybody I was likely to find attractive. I was taught nonsense about what women really wanted, and that I should just wait.
I remember a "lock in" in high school where one of our teachers asked if it was that easy to get sex. One of the members of my youth group, a tall, muscular, basketball star said, "Oh, yessss." He wasn't kidding, he wasn't making a joke. I was thinking, "Wait, what, seriously?" There may have been young women who desired me at the time, but I wouldn't have had the wit to notice. I wanted sex, do want sex, quite strongly. The idea that it was a live option hadn't occurred to me at that point. I also remember thinking during that period that the church leaders paid more attention, cared more about, the more popular kids. The cheerleaders, the sports stars, the performers, and the charmers. I remember thinking that there was only one church we were in where my intelligence and knowledge of the Bible were valued highly; one reason why I still have love in my heart for "fundamentalist" Baptists. Of course I don't blame the Evangelicals, all the world loves a winner.
Then came "game". Game taught me a lot. It really did. For the first time I considered whether or not I successfully mated was, at least largely, in my hands. Real dates and makeouts occurred. But, "game" such as it was at the time, taught me jack squat about the long term. I dated girls way out of my league, as the saying goes, but they never stuck around. "Game", such as it was at the time, wasn't really meant for me. I could get the short term excitement that would have led to short term sex (if I had chosen it), but that was never my aim. I did get one long term, meaningful, relationship as a direct result of game. But, ultimately, without the foundational aspects of real attraction, it didn't last; it couldn't last. I only really started to get over it when I realized that, in spite of everything, she wasn't really attracted to me sexually. I was just capable of generating enough dopamine to keep her engaged. She respected me, even loved me up to a point, but she didn't really "want" me. I think she tried to. I really do. But you can't fight nature.
The evidence of my own eyes never deceived me. At various points I thought that being muscular, or prosperous, or in leadership,or a number of other things, would help me mate successfully. But "game" taught me that that wasn't necessary, which of course it need not be if you're looking for a one night stand. Or the "church" taught me that it was being "worldly" or just didn't address it.
I wouldn't trade what "game" taught me. I think it is invaluable. My experiences in "church" were also extremely useful, although mostly only in retrospect. So here I am, a thirty year old virgin, dumbstruck at the first really physically desirable, possibly attainable, woman he has seen in weeks. Dumbstruck and incapable. No game to spit, no words to say. Just alone with an unquenchable thirst.
I am lucky, my upbringing and experience, perhaps just an inborn sense God has given all of us, has never allowed me to be really willfully blind; not past a certain point. I know that if it isn't true, it won't really work, not long term.
So, I wouldn't trade an ounce of my suffering if it cost any of the knowledge I have. Nevertheless, I am angry. It is not natural for a human male to be thirty and without prospect of meaningful sexual fulfillment. Well, not without any prospect, I work, I learn, I grow, "I fight". But, I also know no one will help me. I know most Christian women will not prefer me for my chastity; it will be counted against me, maybe not consciously, but the assumption will be that it makes me less of a man. The "church" won't care if I die uncoupled, and "game" will despise me for not forsaking my faith to serve my libido. My "failure" to obtain a physically desirable woman (even if she is foolish or wicked), will make my manhood suspect. Yeah, the problem is just me. A real man would have fixed it by now.
I can't blame women, I think so many in the manosphere are crazy in this regard. I want a woman I find sexually compelling; how can I blame a woman for wanting a man she finds sexually compelling? It's just that nobody told me how to get what I want for so long. It's like a woman who might have turned out all right being told to ignore her youth, or beauty, or virtue. This isn't even a hypothetical; we have seen this happen and it isn't pretty. Not physically and not morally.
Source: art-of-pickup.blogspot.com
