My original intention in writing the article was to express what I've learned from my experience in such situations, which I conveniently called being the "home wrecker". A more suitable label is probably "Inconsiderate Person", "Selfish Individual", or "Non Empathetic Human". But somehow that term "Home Wrecker" is more to the point on the damage that is triggered by such behavior. I use the label only as a term to identify the situation, not to judge. Most of us use it to describe a person who knowingly pursues (romantically or sexually) someone who is in a committed relationship. But it's too hard to say "lookit's that inconsiderate-person-who-knowingly-pursues-someone-who-is-in-a-committed-relationship bitch". Yup, that good ol' term "home wrecker" just does it much more efficiently for most of us.
Although my original post was about the woman who is a home wrecker, I realize that there are male home wreckers as well (one of which has triggered the breakdown of my own marriage). But this blog is mostly about helping the female find perspective in life, so I address most of my articles to them.
In the home wrecking scene, there are 3 main players: the home wrecker, the cheater or potential cheater, and the person committed to the cheater or potential cheater. This is my quick assessment of the situation: ALL THREE PLAYERS PLAY EQUAL PARTS IN MAKING THE HOME WRECKING SCENE. This is just my opinion, and I feel qualified in making such a statement after having played all three roles in my life. I realize that this might not be a popular point of view, considering the amount of blame that was going back and forth on the comments. But remember, this is just my perspective for the purpose of giving you perspective.
The feedback on the previous article has revealed to me the extent of psychological damage a home wrecker can trigger. Many of the readers expressed their anguish and hurt. A couple of them went so far as to write into their comments specific names of people who have hurt them. To those ladies, I know it really sucks to be on that end of the situation, but I want you realize that your focus should be on your recovery, not on those who triggered the hurt. It's probably not the best of time for me to tell you that you played an equal part in your hurt, but hear me out. I'm not here to judge anyone or tell anyone they're wrong or lay any blame. My whole blog is dedicated to giving you, the hurt female, a different way of looking at things so you can move on from your hurt and find joy in things. The other two players have hurt you deeply, and in a way that you can't logically explain. You don't have to explain yourself. Go ahead and process the hurt because you deserve your time to heal. But somewhere in the back of your mind, just tuck away the idea that no one can truly hurt you except yourself (physical harm of course being the exception). We go through life thinking that we deserve honesty and respect, especially from those we are intimate with. But when we are treated with clear disrespect for our boundaries, we become frustrated and threatened of losing what we thought we deserved. Our focus then turns to blame because we aren't ready to turn inward to process the hurt. And that's OK. When you're ready, and only when you're ready, take a good look at your own life and how it led up to the home wrecking scene. Look at your choice in partners, look at the company you keep, look at the boundaries you've set, look at the lessons learned from previous relationships, look at where you've been, and finallylook at where you want to be. It's all part of figuring out who you are. I know I say this a lot on my posts, but you'll have to trust me on thisonce you've figured that all out or at least come close to it, you will never find yourself in a home wrecking scene again. You're in more control of the situation than you think. Remember that you can't feel threatened if you're with someone who gives you no reason to feel threatened. Trust your gut and figure out why you're threatened.
I didn't have anyone claim that they were the cheater or potential cheater, but I have some words for you guys that might help the other two players understand you a bit more. In most cases, it's not a case of wanting to have your cake and eat it. It's a matter of not being fulfilled in life. You are clearly confused about what you want. On one hand, you want a committed relationship. And on the other hand, you want something that violates that committed relationship. If you don't want a committed relationship, don't lie to others saying that you do. And for Pete sakes, don't lie to yourself because you're only going to burden yourself with guilt and confusion. It's OK to admit you may have made a mistake in making a commitment. It's OK to seek help if you think you've got a wandering eye. Realize one thing. Unless what your partner wants is a confused, sniveling cheat, you are not doing anyone any favors by keeping things hush hush, especially your going ons with the home wrecker. It really doesn't matter if you haven't had sex with the home wrecker. Do you or don't you want a committed relationship? If the answer is yes, then tell the home wrecker to f**k off. It's that simple. I don't care if she boosts your ego. I don't care if you get along superbly with her. Let it goand do the mature thing for all. You're not fooling anyone by saying "She's just a friend" You suck and you know it. Your partner is asking for respect for the relationship, and you're not giving that to her by presenting this threat to her. Even if you have no intention of cheatingeven if it's illogical that your partner should feel any threat by your "friendship".you need to consider your partner's feelings. Part of a committed relationship is to be considerate of your partner's feelings. Is your "friend" really more important than honoring your relationship? Once you've decided that you've found the person you want to commit to, you need to make room for the process of finding joy in that relationship. Your commitment can bring you the long term joy that you will never find in the quick ego boosts, so stick with it. If you have your doubts about having made the right choice, then you better take a really hard look at that. Let go of the committed relationship if that's not the right person for you. Reallydon't force a square peg into a round hole. It's also HIGHLY unlikely that the home wrecker is the one for you, because both of you are unstable. Of course, if you know you're not confused and you know you just want to manipulate everyone to get what you want, then you're a jerk so get lost. There's nothing that any of us here can do for you.
Then there's the final player: the home wrecker. One lady proclaimed she was a home wrecker, but was not at all remorseful of it. She saw absolutely nothing wrong in pursuing men in committed relationships, and actually found it to be sort of a sport. Well that one nearly knocked me off my chair. I didn't expect that. Although I don't agree with her that there is nothing wrong with her "sport", she did have a good point that the relationships that she can damage are caused by the the weaknesses in those relationships. But of course she is the exception to the general role of a home wrecker. As I mentioned in my previous post, the home wrecker usually doesn't realize she's a home wrecker. She just thinks she's in love and can't stop thinking about him. To those ladies, here are my words of perspective. Love yourself first and foremost. The love you think you'll find in a man who is committed to someone else is not love for yourself. It's escaping the hard fact that you aren't happy with your own life. Maybe you love the commitment he has for his partner, and maybe you want some of that for yourself. Maybe you are looking to see if you can get him to jump when you say jump for a quick ego boost. Maybe you love the secret rendezvous that makes you feel really special. It's all smoke and mirrors. He's either a jerk, or a very confused man, and you don't want any of that if you want to have a healthy view of yourself. You're not special to him. He is not treating you with the respect you think you're getting from him. You're just a crutch for the disabilities of his committed relationship. You don't see it now, because you're in the midst of it. But try stepping away from it to clear your head. Momentum in the wrong direction can always be reversed if you just stop to seek direction. Please please please leave it. Have some dignity and respect the protocol of a committed relationship. The sooner you give respect to the committed relationship, the sooner you'll find yourself in one.
Everyone is finding their way in life. All three players of the home wrecking scene are looking for their answers, and they happened to have crossed each other's path in a time when they don't know their way. Some will find their way, others will remain stuck in their patterns. No one owes anyone anything, and yet we all have to live with each other in the universe. Let's all realize the connection of everything and work with the flow instead of forcing things to work together. I may be right or I may be wrong in what I have just told you, but just chew on what I said for a little. Here's what really counts, that you see there is more to life than just your perspective. Blaming is a mask for your own confusion.
