Women dump you because you're "too nice"? Don't be fooled, says our Ms. Metcalf. They aren't saying you're too nice. They're saying you're a jerk. Here's why.
JIM N., on our Women forum wrote: "I treat women too nice. Is this possible?"
IT WAS A GREAT QUESTION, and one we've seen in the forum many times. The answer: No, Jim, but you may define "nice" differently than women do. That dreaded nice-guy syndrome has little to do with actually being nice. Recently, Denis Boyles wrote a column about how women view men in the November 1997 issue of "Men's Health" magazine. He demonstrated how to make a woman totally disrespect and despise you -- be passive, be ambivalent, avoid conflict, and be androgynous -- in other words, turn yourself into a "nice guy."
GIVE ME A CHALLENGE.
THINK INTELLECTUALISM HERE, not one-on-one bench presses or spitting contests, gentlemen. It's not "nice" to let us rot from our own apathy. I have self-discipline, but I also need someone who won't accept less than my best. When I've gained a couple of pounds, the last words I want to hear are, "Getting kind of fat there, aren't you, Ms. MetCOW?" But I sometimes need a swift kick in the rear. A man who treats me with the delicacy of a spoiled movie star child gets exactly that -- a spoiled brat who neither respects nor admires him. It actually isn't "nice" to treat a woman like that.
HOWEVER, sometimes we're not very nice to you, even though we kid ourselves that we're sparing your feelings. Why? Because we don't want to tell you the real reasons you don't hold our interest: Boredom, passivity, lack of confidence.
IF I CAN INTIMIDATE A MAN by giving him a handful of breast, what can I think about his ability to handle the rest of me? As Valerie, a 36-year-old engineer from Oregon, whom I met online, told me, "I want a man strong enough to not be intimidated by me. I have a very dominant personality. I need a man who can overcome that." Amen, sister.
WHEN GUYS ARE DUMPED because they're told they're too nice it has nothing to do with etiquette and respect, attributes both sexes owe each other. Instead, usually guys in this situation give up their own self-respect for becoming near-slaves to their objects of desire. With few exceptions, women "hate" this. Be a bit flexible but never give up your life for a woman. Have a focus in your life and work towards it. When you possess a take-charge attitude with your life, we know that you're not asking us to take care of you.
CHALLENGE US by "not" always giving into us. When a plump pair of D-cups attached to rose-pedal soft cheeks threatens to turn you into an early life form, your challenge, dear Sir, is to be a man -- enjoy the atmosphere and scenery, but don't let it dominate your every thought. Every inch your spine reclines takes along with it a piece of our attraction for you. Pretty soon, the spine breaks, and you're left a jellyfish.
SIMPLY PUT -- say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't tell us that you won't put up with a certain type of behavior and go back on your word and then whine because we're walking all over you! I have no respect for men who are so unsure of themselves that they'll lose their self-respect before they lose their girlfriend. Desperation, in a man is a highly undesirable and unattractive trait.
THE MAN who lights my fire sparks my imagination. He doesn't sit in a Barcalounger exercising his digits with the remote control. He grabs me by the hand and together we navigate through a new maze of experiences. He wants to climb the Mt. Everest of life and expects me to be by his side. His thrust into life is as instigator and his determination and persistence feed me. I crave more. He's my Jack Dawson. I don't want a man who is waiting around to win the lottery. Women want men who don't let life -- or women -- slow them down.
A WISE MAN appreciates that fear is an enormous aphrodisiac. Not knowing exactly what will happen next is both utterly frightening and exhilarating -- it incites passion both in soul and body. Jerks may not be gentlemen, but sometimes we take that chance to feel the "rush" instead of playing it safe and monotonous with a Bob-Newhart-kind of guy. Think of a quickie in a semi-public place. The idea of fear -- of being caught -- is what makes the heart race, not the sex itself. Illicit love is not "safe," which fuels our fear and heightens our arousal.
PART OF THE APPEAL of fear may be why some women ascribe to that forbidden fruit, submission. One man, in an ad in a BDSM "lifestyle" site looking for a submissive woman, wrote, "This ad is for the woman who finds abject submission ennobling, even courageous. A woman who would be proud to call herself slave to a man she knows deserves her sacrifice. For the woman who's not afraid to call her partner her equal, but understands that he has a right to train and use her as he sees fit. This ad is for the woman who believes that this mass of contradictions she calls her desire can be resolved in partnership with a special man, one who knows enough not to let her have a choice in the matter of her enslavement, but also knows a caged bird cannot fly." The writing and the phraseology may not be world-class -- um, "slave?" -- but the sentiment sure works. Maybe that's one reason why BDSM and Dominance and submission (D/s) are moving from the fringes of sexual behavior to the mainstream, and from the off-putting scene-playing "lifestyle" stuff -- with all that leather and those awful accessories -- to everyday life.
LIMITS.
NICE GUYS NEVER QUESTION our limits, and hence we don't grow. We stagnate and we both fall down into new depths. The "nice" guy who is so completely agreeable with everything we say or do leaves it up to us to find our own limits. I don't always know what they are. Limits make me feel secure. I have freedom, but I know where the borders are. Sometimes women are interested in men who seem to know more about them than they do about themselves, simply because they make them face their fears and make them go to limits set only by their lover. I'll go into the woods if you hold my hand, dear Sir. But you need to lead.
ANOTHER ONLINE FRIEND, ERICA, a 19-year-old college student in Minnesota, told me she allows only kissing on the first date. On a recent date, however, a persistent yet not pushy gentleman challenged that limit. In her words, "All through dinner, his eyes were strong and focused on mine along with a genuine but cautious smile. He listened intently and when he spoke, I listened to his deliberate words very carefully. When we kissed good night, he completely overwhelmed me by his slow (but not too much so) manner. He started to put his hands up under my sweater, and to my amazement, I wanted it, too. Pretty soon, I was topless, something I never imagined myself doing on the first date. But then, when he started to unzip my jeans, he just pushed me past my comfort zone. I told him no. He didn't stop until I said in a stern voice, "no" again. Surprisingly, it wasn't an awkward moment at all. He never offered an apology, which I'm kind of glad. He pushed but then made me realize where my own limits lie, and for that, I am grateful."
ANOTHER MAN on the forum, Jerry, was about to be married to a woman he described as "cold, unaffectionate, insensitive, and miserable with me 90% of the time." He added, "I, on the other hand, hold a great job and have pretty much given up my friends to pursue a life with this girl. I pamper her and treat her like a queen with very little response." Actually, Jerry, she has given you a response. Her indifference is her way of saying she wants limits. You are her doormat and she's wiping her manure-soaked shoes all over you. You set no limits and give her no challenges.
SPEAKING OF LIMITS, I know of a girl who thought she only liked vanilla ice cream. But her dominant, mysterious lover kept urging her to try new flavors. Slowly and cautiously, she's licking her way up to 31 flavors.
