I've been dating a man, initially very very casually, since about mid-December. In the past few weeks, after going on a few trips together, and spending a lot more time together, we are acting more and more like a serious couple, and we've become exclusive. Initially I was the one holding off, insisting on us staying casual, and he was pursuing me hard, talking about possible future, introducing me to his friends, etc. But the more time we've spent together, the closer we've gotten, and I'm starting to fall for him. We both feel we are very compatible, the chemistry and sex is off the charts, and our communication is fantastic (he is by far the best communicator I have ever dated, and is very upfront, honest, and kind with me. I've been floored by his integrity.).
Here's the kicker: the timing. He has been separated from his wife for 8 months (where he had a lot of alone time to work on himself apparently, which is a plus), and they have a son. Their son just turned two. The marriage was apparently 'over' for years, and they mutually agreed to divorce. He told me this on the first date, and I proceeded cautiously based on this information. Only recently have I met his son (he is taking things slowly regarding that, btw - which I highly respect). His ex has apparently begun seeing someone else seriously as well. However, things have very recently become nasty between them - a lot of arguing around how to raise their son with co-custody - and she is threatening legal/financial/custody repercussions to him if he doesn't 'play the game' her way. As their divorce is not yet final, this is scary and serious and complex. He wants the divorce finalized... she is dragging it out and making threats.
This is a terribly difficult situation for him - and I want to be supportive. However, I'm also feeling myself emotionally backing off, because I'm afraid that a new relationship is just too much for him, or I, to take on at this point in their divorce. We've also, however, already become crazy about each other the past couple of months and have openly talked about the future as well. I'm willing to be patient if it is worth it.
Also important - he's not sure about marriage in the future - he feels very cynical about it right now (understandable!) - but he said he may change his mind about that, and he definitely thinks he will want more kids at some point and a family - but that it is too soon to tell. He does say that he feels excited about where things could go between the two of us. I know that I desire children and a marriage - not in the next year or two, but shortly thereafter. Family is very important to me - even more important to me is the bond that I would have with my partner in it.
Here's where I'm at: I'm already emotionally invested, and crazy about him, but I haven't been for very long. Only for about a month. I'm feeling good about where I am in life and excited for dating and meeting new people if need be - I'm also very busy, but I feel ready to meet someone who I could commit to, marry in the future and have children with. I've been doing a lot of work on myself, and I feel very in touch with what I need, and what I can offer. This is a good time for me to start something new, even slowly. I never imagined it would be with a man in this situation, and it'd be a lot for me (and him) to take on, but the thought of us becoming solid feels very good.
At the moment I type this, things have come to a head with his (ex) wife, and he said he needs a few days to process things, because he's feeling extremely stressed about it. So we are apart currently (physically). This is totally understandable, and I told him to take his time and let me know if he needs anything. He said I will be the first he will call.
I know for many these may seem like red flags (he may not be ready for a new relationship), but given our connection, our shared vision for how we want to live our lives, and the fact that he is talking openly about his emotions around all of this, I'm not wanting to just straight walk away. I also am trying to honor my vision for my life, and protect my heart. Love always involves risks, I know this. I'm trying to simultaneously be cautious, yet courageous. It is so confusing. My heart is saying don't be afraid, stay open and have faith, and my mind is saying take a step back and evaluate.
The way I see it is we have three choices:
A) We continue to deepen our relationship, continue to spend a lot of time together, and I give him the space he needs when he needs it. We then talk about it. I stay patient. We continue to live in the moment, have a lot of fun together, and discuss how we are feeling whenever it comes up for either of us. The risk is that I would be spending a lot of time with someone who is in a major life transition, who might not be able to make a real commitment to me for a very long time (if ever), while I am ready for a serious relationship (not to jump in, but for it to be heading that way...).
B) We try to go back to casual, and date other people, while still talking/spending time with one another. This is possible, but I'm not sure I can emotionally handle it now that we have been so vulnerable with each other and have shared so much. It sounds potentially volatile.
C) We agree to break off all contact, and do not talk to each other for a few months while he finalizes some legal things with his divorce, and processes this on his own. We then agree to talk to each other after a few months and see if we want to start again. This also seems very risky - I may start a new relationship, or he might - or we may just lose our connection. It also doesn't feel very natural to do this, and realistically his divorce could take up to a year, so a few months might not change anything. I also deeply yearn to be there for him.
I'm torn, and stressed about this... he and I are in good communication around it, but there are so many factors that are difficult and complicated, that I wanted to type this up. Thank you for listening and if you have any words of wisdom for me, I am thankful. Have a beautiful day. :-)
Credit: lay-reports.blogspot.com
