When last we left our merry band of leftovers, they were definitely pretty freaked out about 2% of the world's population having mysteriously disappeared three years earlier. Also: DOGS.
This week, we pick up with federal agents, who are sitting in an office discussing the investigation of "Wayne Henry Gilchrest, Jr., also known as Holy Wayne," the black guru who claims to be able to suck the pain out of people at his secret ranch, which is home to a bunch of teenage Asian girls. We find out he was wanted on statutory rape charges before he disappeared. Cut to a SWAT team raiding his ranch and just shooting and/or arresting everyone they see.
Police Chief Kevin Garvey's son, who is inexplicably not named Carl, shoots an agent in the throat and runs away with the teen girl he fancies. "I'm sorry, but she's important," he says. Okay.
They make an escape and later meet up with Holy Wayne at an abandoned gas station whose proprietor has been murdered. Police Chief Kevin Garvey Jr. finds Holy Wayne making out with the dead guy (i.e. sucking out his pain, or whatever), and Holy Wayne tells him, "He never would have let me do this when he was alive." Um.
They have a terrific conversation about how Police Chief Kevin Garvey Jr. is a real mystery, because he won't let Holy Wayne, "who is a literal magic negro "and apparently a distant relative of John Coffee, suck his pain out. Holy Wayne tasks him with protecting Christina, the teen girl, to whom he refers as "our girl," breaks Police Chief Kevin Garvey Jr.'s phone in half, and then drives off.
Police Chief Kevin Garvey Jr. has an angry outburst, but Christina assures him everything will be okay because Holy Wayne says so.
We catch up with Police Chief Kevin Garvey in bed, clearly dreaming, and his teenage daughter's best friend comes to him and leads him into the woods, where the dog-shooting guy is shooting at what looks to be Garvey's wife, who's joined the smoking cult. His feet are on fire. Neat dream. He wakes up to discover his neighbor has accidentally set his fence on fire by burning his disappeared brother's stuff.
Then we follow Police Chief Kevin Garvey to therapy, where his therapist just doesn't get it, man.
Later, the Mayor visits Police Chief Kevin Garvey and tells him to stop shooting dogs. Good advice, Ms. Mayor!
Also, his bagel disappears and it makes him super mad.
Police Chief Kevin Garvey also visits his dad, the former occupant of his job, who "went crazy" and now resides in a facility, where he watches reruns of "Perfect Strangers. "THERE IS NO CHANNEL THAT AIRS RERUNS OF "PERFECT STRANGERS! "Things really are weird after the Rapture if the world suddenly appreciates Balki Bartokomous again.
Oh, also: The dog shooting guy wants to be friends and brings over some beer to Police Chief Kevin Garvey's house. He seems nice.
Meanwhile, at the cigarette cult, Liv Tyler is settling in unsettlingly. Mrs. Police Chief Kevin Garvey takes her into the woods with an axe and tells her to cut down a tree. Liv Tyler gets fed up, and blah blah blah Mrs. Police Chief Kevin Garvey tells her she needs to surrender. Later, on her own, Liv Tyler figures out how to chop down a tree and laughs triumphantly and cries bitterly. I literally could not care less.
Oh wait that's not true because I ACTUALLY DO CARE EVEN LESS about the storyline following Police Chief Kevin Garvey's daughter and her precocious friend about whom her father is dreaming like he's in "American Beauty. "The two girls commandeer the hybrid vehicle of two twin boys who act like puppies around the girls in a desperate bid to sleep with them, and follow a lady who has a gun in her purse and is sad and acts out because she lost her whole family in the Rapture.
If you think I'm leaving out any details, YOU ARE RIGHT, because I left out the TOTALLY TRENCHANT DETAIL of their searching the lady's car for hand lotion.
At the end of the episode, Police Chief Kevin Garvey unscrews the back of the bagel toaster and finds his burned bagel, because NO DOY THAT'S WHERE IT WAS. There is not a bagel rapture, sir!
Violin music indicates I should find this scene meaningful. I do not.
I don't even know what this show is doing. Possibly that is because it is not doing anything. The only emotional response I had to anything in the entire episode is when Liv Tyler's husband HILARIOUSLY BAD-ACTED a raging vent at Police Chief Kevin Garvey, and I chuckled.
I would give this show a thumbs-down, but my thumbs are too weak with indifference to be moved.
Credit: mark-rayan-pua.blogspot.com
