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We fight/quarrel which spoils our day. What can we do?:
1. Body language: Remember in marital fights, a win in argument is generally a loss in relationship. So choose to win
relationship at all times as fights are temporary but relationship should go a long way. When having an argument,
maintain non-intimidating eye contact, listen, take a deep breath and give a break. Revisit the topic after a few
hours/days if possible. You will be surprised how time takes care of many arguments. Also, walking away at the first
sign of an ensuing fight often helps. Be generous in relationships by giving love, time & gifts. For surprises Click here
2. My way or no way: Many arguments start because a partner is hung on to his/her own suggestion or viewpoint.
Approach a solution without any personal bias. Important factor is to resolve a point 'together' keeping egos aside.
Trying to prove your partner wrong or saying 'I told you so' doesn't help. When respect develops in marriage, acceptance
comes. If not talking to each other, 'you' take the initiative to just go and hug him/her to break the ice.
3. Don't build a volcano: Do not let sensitive issues or negative emotions build up inside you. Its just a matter of time
when you will explode emotionally and end up having a big fight. Instead, share your feeling/thought with your partner
sooner than a spark becomes a fire. Try discussing an argumentative topic at a public location like a walk in a garden,
mall, restaurant or market where hopefully neither partner will scream at each other.
4. Change yourself: Forget changing your partner's attitude drastically as both are grown up adults and would show
resistance to major change. Instead, change yourself and set an example of how a situation can be diffused. Saying
'I am sorry' helps diffuse a situation. Learn to accept your spouse as he/she is. Avoid discussing your fights with your
parents or relatives as they may develop a biased attitude towards your spouse which is difficult to transform later. Keep
this within yourself and try to resolve it mutually as much as possible.
5. Worrying: Its ok to have a few minor fights and most married couples have one every now and then. So don't worry
thinking that your relationship is going downhill. In fact, a short reasonable fight/disagreement may help you discover
more attributes about your partner and bring both of you even more closer. Having said that, avoid fighting in front of
children and never ask them to take sides or who is right. Teenage children would rarely take sides and do not gain
anything from parental fights. If you feel lonely or emotionally disconnected, see point 6 below.
Managing in-laws:
1. Difficult mother/daughter in-law: After marriage, 2 women usually become possessive about 1 man and that
sometimes leads to conflicting situations. Mother-in-law (MIL) should be less possessive about her son and
accept that he will now share most of his time with the new woman in his life. Daughter-in-law (DIL) should try
building a cordial relationship with her and accept that after all, her husband is there because of her MIL. During
points of disagreement with MIL, DIL should convey why she is taking a different decision by giving logical, objective
reasoning. If disagreement persists, ask for an opinion from her husband. As head of the family, husband should
objectively analyze the problem and resolve the situation. Stand firm on taking the 'right' step without being egoistic.
2. Job Issue: Some in-laws force their newly wedded daughter-in-law to stop working and ask her to just manage the
household chores against her wish. Working after marriage should ideally be discussed before marriage and
expectation set accordingly. If the issue comes up after marriage, discuss with your husband and go firmly with what
both of you mutually decide.
3. Connect with in-laws: Biggest mistake some newly wedded couples make after marriage is not talking much with
their respective parent in-laws. Know that your spouse's parents are an integral part of his/her life. Respecting them
is respecting him/her regardless of how their attitude is. As said blood is thicker than water, your spouse will usually
tend to take sides of parents due to self respect. So accept them unconditionally as you accept your own parents.
The more you show concern and respect for them, more your spouse will follow your example and reciprocate to your
parents. If staying in a joint family, spend some quality time with them and discuss topics of mutual interest. If staying
away from them, give them a phone call at least once a week. Enquire about their well being, share updates and ask
their opinion on some issues. Try to solve mutual disagreements without involving spouse as far as possible.
4. Surprise: If you are facing difficulty building relationships with the in-laws, try surprising by giving them a surprise visit,
a small gift or wishing them genuinely on festivals/birthdays etc. Take care of your parents- financially and emotionally-
as they grow older.
5. Extreme situation: If for various reasons, its getting difficult to stay with the in-laws, talk to your husband who should
take the initiative to help resolve the situation amicably. Do evaluate the pros and cons before deciding to separate from
a joint family setup. Sometimes, giving a break of a few days or maintaining distance helps diffuse a problem. Move out
as a last step if you feel that will help the family in the long run.
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